Beautiful, Loved, and Blessed

I'm a Prince fan, but moreso his old music. He does have some newer joints that are solid though- like Incense & Candles, Cinnamon Girl, and Beautiful, Loved, and Blessed. 

Anyway, I wanted to let each and every one of you know that you are those things. You are BEAUTIFUL, LOVED, AND BLESSED. No matter what anyone else says, or doesn't say. I'm not one of those people who spend time dwelling on my "haters", because I'm far more concerned with my "lovers". Don't get me wrong- it's better to let your haters be your motivators than to sit around concerned about what negative energy your detractors are spouting out. However, accentuate the positive. Surround yourself with positive people and things. Put people in your life who are constantly motivating you to do better and to be better. No one who claims to love you should be hurting you, putting you down, or making you feel plain lousy. Also, beware of "frenemies". You know- the people who claim to be your friends but you find yourself in constant competition with them? Your friend should be the main one cheering you on when you achieve your goals- they should not be pointing out how things could have been so much better if you did XYZ. 

Be comfortable in your own skin. I'm the first to admit this wasn't always easy for me. Back in the day I constantly had to have someone around me. I couldn't stand to be alone even for an afternoon. I partied 6 nights a week just to be in the crowd. As I matured and began truly loving myself I quickly realized that with me is where I want to be. I now enjoy those brief moments of solitude where I can work out solutions in my head, or curl up with a good book. Or even veg out on the couch and clean out my dvr which is always at 90 something % full. Me time is critical! 

You may not be on the cover of Vogue, but you're beautiful. You may not have found "the one" yet, but you're loved by someone. And you may not be a millionaire- but you're blessed. You're beautiful because God molded you. You're loved because you love yourself. And you're blessed because you're alive reading this. 

-E.B.

Full Day

Yesterday started out at snails pace. I took a Zyrtec pill at around 630am and I was super drowsy at work. I found myself passing out at my desk several times. I don't know how I made it but even with one of my feet in dreamland, the other in reality I managed to accomplish so much yesterday. I was so proud of myself I bragged to my brother, sister and fiancée about what a busy bee I was! I completed:

1) The first pre-martial counseling session with my pastor and my fiancée. It went very well and I was so happy that my man opened up to someone who, in essence, is a complete stranger to him. I see these next 4 meetings being very productive and I can't wait until next month to tackle more marital solutions. We also put the official date on the pastors calendar, and booked the church for the actual ceremony.

2) I was on the fence about which bakery I was going to choose to do our cake. In the end, the lack of a selection from Bakery A made me go with Bakery B, which is Cake Designs by Edda. I made an appointment for us to have a tasting next Saturday and let them know which cake I was leaning towards so that they would definitely have that sample available.

3) I took a power nap on my fiancée's lap. It felt sooo good! I don't require a lot of sleep to survive but I was crashing yesterday. I woke up charged and ready to go after 9pm last night and this is when I accomplished most of my tasks.

4) I FINALLY completed our first wedding guest list. There are 180+ people on the list. I pray that 80 people decline though so I can get the number right at 100. LOL! No seriously I wish we had room for every family member and every friend that we both have but we are paying per plate and as anyone who has ever had a big wedding knows - it can be very expensive. Most of the people we invited have to come from out of state to attend so there may be a lot of declines from NY, Jamaica, NC etc. But everyone in Florida will most likely make it so I know that a wonderful time will be had by all.

5) I sent out requests for physical addresses for all invited guests. They have started filtering in as of this morning. It seems like maintaing this will be a lot of work so I will probably ask my matron or maid of honor to keep the list updated for me.

6) Finally got my brother to take the HUGE bag of clothes out of my living room to be donated. The bag was heavier than a dead body and packed with brand new and gently used teenage clothes. I tried to donate them to my church by they keep their pantry small so it wasn't an option. My brother knows of a place that gives away donations to domestic abuse victims and of course I was happy to oblige. It felt good knowing that someone else can benefit from us.

7) Began working on a grass roots publicity campaign for our 41st Annual Pink Tea. You can click the link for details.

I think there is more, but that should be enough for now. I do know that I have made a comittment not to take on any more projects. So...

My wedding
Helping my grandmother get her fiances back in order
Preparing my 15 year old for her boyfriends senior prom
Readying myself for a prospect I have been working on for years
The 41st Annual Pink Tea.
Weight Watchers

Are on the front burner right now. Everything else will have to wait until after the wedding. My plate runneth over!

Family Ties

The older I get, the more I value my "blood ties".

Much as I am ashamed to admit it, as a teenager I shunned my family. I felt disconnected and wanted nothing more than to escape. My mother gave birth to me at a very young age and it shaped my views on the world around me- and not always in a positive way. I wasn't starving in the streets or anything like that. But I didn't have a Cosby type of childhood and I can't help but feel that if it wasn't for my grandparents my life would be the polar opposite of what it is now. I don't want to delve into details- but let's just say that teen parenthood, drugs and a short lifespan are just a few things that were at the end of the path that I would have been on had it not been for Miss Estelle and Mr. Cliff.

Fastforward to 2008. My grandfather is laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. I am struggling to keep my sanity as the only real father figure I ever had withers away in front of my eyes. My kid sister who I vowed never to speak to again exactly two years ago has popped back up in our lives and the jury is still out on whether or not she can be trusted. My first cousin who has always been the shining white knight of the family has major chinks in his armor that is showing signs of rust. My fiancee doesn't have the luxury of a smooth, gradual transition into meeting my maternal family. He is thrust into face first- with all the drama, all the jockeying for power, all the animosity, the grudges- the EVERYTHING. The fact that he still wants my hand in marriage after that introduction into my family is... a miracle.

Yet through it all, I realize that family is the most important thing in the world to any of us. Instead of envying others it's dawning on me that it could be a lot worse. Though my mother would have never won any Mom of the Year awards- she didn't Caylee me and cut my life short before it even started. She did her best and I'm here. I am a good mother, a good fiancee and future wife. A fair and competent boss. A PHENOMENAL friend- even to those who don't deserve it. A spiritual woman who loves The Lord and doesn't let a day go by without connecting with Him in my own way. A wonderful though controlling family member to my relatives (I'm working on it). A solid, law abiding citizen when so many are out here getting theirs by any means necessary. Ok, I speed and break traffic laws but I don't litter, do drugs or steal. I volunteer on a regular basis, give to charity, vote, serve my jury duty, pay my taxes and haven't killed anyone. Yet.

So as 2008 comes to a close I want to thank my mother and father for making me. I want to thank my grandparents for raising me into a strong woman of color. I want to thank my neighbors and family for molding me and giving me character. Thanks to all my friends who offered a shoulder when I cried and a gave wake up calls when I wallowed in self pity. I hope 2009 finds my grandfather in much better health if it's in God's good graces and I vow to continue to work on self so that I become a better person not only for myself but for those around me- especially to the man that I will marry in less than 9 months.

Fork In The Road

A few months ago I watched a horrible straight to dvd movie with my fiancee called "Fork In The Road". It was produced by a Jamaican company and apparently gets a lot of love back in NY and in Jamaica. As a budding filmmaker I give props to anyone with the guts to get their work out there on the small or silver screens. But come on now. All I have to say is watch it. You'll be disappointed, but hey. It's cold out. You don't have anything else to do.

I digress. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. After all the changes that came about in my life in 2007 I feel that 2009 needs to usher in even more CHANGE. Just call me Obama Girl out this bitch because it's gotta get better. I won't say it can't get any worse but GOD please give your child a break.

I know that with every life challenge I become stronger. I am a better person because of all the struggles I've been through. Like my cousin said on my wedding website. I'm a pearl. You have to get through the tough exterior to reach the beautiful jewel inside. It's deep down there somewhere. Not everyone can gain access though.

With that being said I know that I need to close some chapters in my life. Many people are taking up space in the prime real estate that is the pre-war Upper East Side condo called MY LIFE. Those people will soon come to find that I won't even entertain the them and all their petty BS anymore. Unless they've been fighting in Iraq, fighting for their life in a hospital or just plain fighting with themselves, everyone in my life knows that I have been through some MAJOR ish over the past month or so. Those who were there for me, thank you. I love you all very much and the blessings that I know God will rain on me in 09 will be yours as well. For those of you too caught up in your own melodramas to even notice that your girl was HURTING and that it took a lot for her to even reach out to you because she doesn't like to show chinks in her armor... You will find yourself on the other side of the locked door to my pre-war condo. Simply put, it's not all about you. And if you feel I'm talking about you, then I probably am.

I hit the road tomorrow, but I promise I will update more. My exploits in Miami are becoming legendary and I want to share. If nothing else this blog will be cathartic to me as I relieve some weight off my shoulders.

Til next time people. I know I lost many of you along the way because I suck I keeping this blog updated but again I'm working on it. :)

From Stepford Wife to Super Woman...

As you guys may or may not know I am a Miami transplant. I’ve been here for about a year. I moved here for a new job opportunity and to get my family out of the craziness that, more often that not is New York City.

At first I moved through life here almost as if in a fog. I had on my perfect Stepford Wife smile. My clothes were flawless. The pools were aqua blue. There was no fear of being pricked by a hypodermic needle on the gorgeous Florida Beaches. Oh my gosh! My neighborhood is even more convenient than the ones in New York. You mean to tell me I have a mall complete with movie theater, tons of nail salons, every restaurant known to man, a Wal-mart AND a K-mart, my dentist/primary care/eye/gyno doctor all within a three mile radius? I was hooked. Or so I thought.

It took me a few months to realize what I was missing. Friends! Back in New York my homegirls were but a phone call, train or cab ride away. But here I had not one road dog. Not for lack of trying. I just didn’t know where to meet people. I work in a company that is 99% Hispanic/Latino. I noticed a huge difference between the Nuyoricans and Dominicans I knew from back home and the first generation, recently immigrated Columbians, Argentineans and Cubans that I work with. For starters, the Hispanics here are exclusively family oriented. Their main concern is to come in to the office, crank out the work, and see the parking lot in their rearview mirror at 5:02 p.m. because their priority is to get home to the fam.

I’m not used to that. Though I have a family at home I sometimes like to wind down before heading home. A drink after work. Perhaps a stroll down 8^th Avenue from times square. Instead of jumping on the train at 42^nd street why not walk down to 14^th street so you can have time to chat with your homeboy about the new independent flick that’s showing in the Village? Scratch that. Let’s run to Starbucks. We can get two Iced Latte’s with a shot of hazel nut flavor, cream, sugar, make it sweet. Don’t forget to add the whipped cream with a splash of caramel on top. We’ll sit by the window and ignore the people that walk by while we unload about the latest drama that’s been taking place at the office.

My co-manager told me, almost with a complacent, dead eyed look that she just grew accustomed to the fact that she will never have friends here. Her husband is all she needs. “You’ll get used to it,” she told me, and shrugged her shoulders as if to say “Accept it or go back from whence you came.”

For many months I did just that. Accepted it. My routine was:

M-F 6:00a rise from bed

M-F 7:00a leave my house to start my long, arduous commute

M-F 8:00a arrive at the office

M-F 5:00p leave the office

M-F 6:00p arrive home

M-F 6:01p get online/watch tv/talk on the phone

M-F 12:00a go to bed

Sa-Su Repeat above steps, just replace work with Clean House/Get Nails Done/Grocery Shop.

By December 2007, I had had enough. I decided to come out of the fog of discontentment an depression. I would take charge of the situation. I would get up, get out and do something. I would start volunteering. I would go online and make connections with people in the Miami area. I would strike up conversations with people out in public. Something, ANYTHING! Whatever had to be done to make the best of the situation instead of putting my tail between my legs, packing up my house and family and heading back home.

I joined Hands On Miami, (http://handsonmiami.org/) a very well organized volunteer group that mobilizes volunteers to help out in local community activities. My first volunteer function: The Grand Re-Opening of Virginia Key Beach Park. In my last post I gave you a little background information about VKBP. In my next post I’ll tell you about my day and how I FINALLY connected with a positive sista here in Miami. Stay tuned…