Giving to the Needy or Being Played For a Fool?

I used to work for a non profit that helped needy people. But even before that I understood that if I wanted to help the needy I had to be sure to give in the appropriate place and time. So instead of handing a dollar to a homeless person why not get your organization to sponsor an meal for an entire shelter of homeless people? That way you know your dollars are going into filling the bellies of people who really need food- and not into the arm of a junkie. Are all homeless people on drugs? Of course not. But there is a better chance of your dollar doing the most good if you give to the organization that is set up to help. Besides, if the non profit is set up correctly they should be giving more than just food. They should be providing housing, rehab programs, job placement and other tools for transitioning from a life on the streets into self reliance.

The other day I was in Tallahassee dropping my youngest off at college. We had purchased a lot of her stuff in Miami, but some things needed to wait until we got to the school- like food. Whenever we wanted to hit a store we would plug the name into the gps and drive to the nearest location. In this instance we were looking for a Family Dollar. The closest one ended up being in a not so nice neighborhood. I'm never uncomfortable in those situations though. I'm from New York City, there isn't much that fazes me in that regard. But the minute I put my foot out the car a woman appeared out of nowhere. "Hello," she stated, locking eyes with me, clearly oblivious to my discomfort. "Hi," I said cautiously, being sure to check my surroundings to make sure she wasn't distracting me while something else was going on. My youngest was busy taking our purses from the car and securing the vehicle. When she was finished I remotely locked the doors to ensure the items we had just purchased from Wal-Mart, Bed Bath & Beyond, Target etc were safe. We started walking towards the Family Dollar. We didn't get two feet before the woman screamed "I need pads. I got my period." I shot a confused look at the woman. "Ok..." I mumbled. "You're not gonna help me out?" she demanded angrily. I gave the woman the illest mean mug from the depths of Bed Sty Brooklyn. Sensing that we were not the garden variety family who she could punk out of a few dollars, the woman took off. 

I was incensed. When did it become appropriate to announce in a parking lot that you have your period, and demand that strangers purchase sanitary napkins for you?! Seriously?! We have GOT to do better. This female was clearly not homeless. She was decently dressed. Her hair was done. If I remember correctly she had on sunglasses. I mean really? If she was that bad off any shelter in the city would have given her a care package if she spent the night. That would be far more dignified than trolling parking lots for help. Part of me believes she was making it up for money for drugs. Because I can't bring myself to believe that a woman would get her hair done, buy shades, do all these things and not have those items taken care of. Wow.

Then, on the way back to Miami, my car was running low on gas. I was in Broward county- but I was still too far from home to risk making it all the way to the house. So I came off the turnpike and hit the first gas station I passed which was some off brand Amerika gas or something. It was dark, so I looked around to check out the area before pumping my gas. I also always remove my keys from the ignition and lock my car doors when I pump gas. That way anyone trying to sneak on the other side to open the door to steal my purse or anything else while I'm distracted will be sadly deterred by a locked door. Think I'm paranoid? This happened to several of my friends- including my husband who actually had his car MOVED FROM THE PUMP while he went inside the pay for his gas. Anyway this man appeared out of nowhere and asked "Can you give me a half a tank of gas?" I looked at him like he was crazy. He proceeded to tell me that he had just dropped his sister off at a homeless shelter in Broward and he needed gas to get back to Miami. As he's talking he's inching closer and closer to me. I'd had enough and told him "Back up." Startled with my aggressive tone, he asked "Do you want to see what a brown recluse spider bite looks like?" and held out his arm as if I were going to come closer. When he saw I wasn't playing the game he was trying to play he disappeared as quickly as he appeared. I finished pumping my gas and high tailed it out of there.

From pads to half tanks of gas, people have no problem asking strangers for ridiculous items as if said strangers owe them a debt. I give generously to charity and work hundreds of community service hours yearly. It was mandatory that my children did as well. However, don't play me for a fool. I was born at night- not last night. If you see me, bypass with all that nonsense. If you are in Miami and you ask me for money or food I will hand you a card to the Miami HAC. There you will find three hots, a cot, a warm shower each night, job placement assistance, clothing, and other tools to help you help yourself. If you're not ready to take that step I will pray with you. But I will not hand over my hard earned so that you can line your pockets for a day of adventure. And no one will make me feel bad about that fact. I've been everything from a hungry broke college student, to a hot shot media maven with a combined household income of well into six figures, back down to an unemployed media maven who still had thousands of dollars of monthly household expenses and a fraction of my normal salary coming in. I had to make it work somehow- and for years I did just that. Without resorting to demanding things from strangers. It can be done! Everything else is just a sad excuse. //End Rant//

The Fleecing of America Part #1: High School Graduations

Some of you may know that my oldest "baby" graduated from High School this past year. Friday, June 11, 2010 to be exact. To make a very long story short, I calculate that I shelled out close to five thousand dollars on her during the course of her senior year.

I know. You're sitting there with your mouth agape. And though I can't remember ALL the fees, I do remember getting a "checklist" when she was a junior. Many of those activities, events and items cost well over $500. There were at least ten things on the list. Now, even though she didn't do all of them, she did enough. Coupled with her cotillion which took place that Sunday, June 13, 2010, I can safely say I spent well over $4,000 on baby girl.

Now, I'm not a penny pincher. Though I am not living as glamorously as I did when I was working in corporate America and getting bonus checks that were 5 digits, I still like to have nice things. I drive a late model car, that I purchased brand new. In fact, out of the five cars I've purchased in my life, three of them were brand new. Though I maintain my hair at home now- it's mostly because I'm trying keep it healthy and getting it fried, dyed and laid to the side every week at Maria's Dominicana Salon or Bonita's Bump N Curl kinda counteract that goal. However, I get my pink and white manicures, pedicures and eyebrows done on the reg. I still shop, eat out, purchase gadgets, do a bit of traveling, tithe (yes, 10%. Praise God from whom all blessings flow). But I'm sorry, thousands of bucks for a graduation, especially in this economy is some bull.

Keep in mind, I just got married last September. We're still paying for something things from that event. Though we paid for a lot of things cash and many other things were gifted to us from family and loved ones- we still paid a pretty penny for our wedding. We had about 100 guests, give or take 5 or 10. We had an open bar at a restaurant that overlooks the water and has an amazing view of the Miami night sky line. We had a lavish buffet, a stretch Hummer... yadda yadda yadda. So yeah. We already paid out the wazoo for our wedding. After all, me and the marriage thing is a ONE time event. So fairy tale it had to be. But over the top graduations... No.

I'm going to her THIRD graduation this year next Tuesday. She graduated from basic training back in September. She graduates from AIT next week. I'm sure the Army will have another 5 graduations before it's all said and done. And of course, she'll graduate from undergrad, grad and hopefully post grad schools. So...

I guess what I'm ranting about is the fact that these companies are pimping the hell out of these kids and their parents. We are not rich. When I had my big corporate America job I was upper middle classed at best. Now that I'm doing my own thing I'm scraping along the fringes of lower middle class, and POOR. So imagine my surprise when my 16 year old junior called me yesterday to tell me that HER ring is pricing out at a cool $700? Her sisters, just last year was $600. Are they mad?

And then if you try to get yours done with another vendor, they bar your child from participating in the ring ceremony which is supposed to be the "official moment when juniors become rising seniors". I saw the sadness in my 16 year olds eyes when I said "Hell to the no!" Well, actually I said "Absolutely not!", but I was thinking the former. Of course, after thinking about it, I can NOT deny her what her sister had just last year. Especially when she's doing so well in school, and balances all her activities and studies to perfection. In fact, because she's such a super girl, she's being honored at an event this Saturday. She won't even be around to accept the award (I'm accepting it on her behalf). She'll be out of town at a weekend conference for one of her organizations. Did I mention she's also been tapped to be on the Board of Directors at a non-profit that mentors inner city youth? So yeah, she deserves to get the ring she wants. But why does it have to be so damned expensive?!

Last point- after my oldest graduated last year there was this vendor outside selling replicas of their diplomas at $35 a pop. I know how much it costs to make those little plaque thingys. En masse- probably about $5 each. So do the math. 700 graduating seniors x $30 profits = $21,000 at ONE graduation. These companies are coming up on us and pimping us for every dollar in our pocket and we just smile and ask may we have another. I promise if we have more kids we won't even get sucked into this mess. And they won't know any better because we never exposed them to any of it to begin with.

#END RANT#

It's Just Hair!

Why are black people so caught up on hair?

It's a question I keep asking myself as I deal with the barrage of confusion that people feel towards me for deciding to go natural.

My entire adult life, and most of my childhood I have had relaxed hair. Last year, after my wedding I decided I had enough of caustic, toxic, dangerous chemicals. I stopped relaxing or "perming" my hair and went natural.

I am transitioning my hair as opposed to doing a "big chop", which means that I am simply allowing the relaxer to grow out instead of cutting all the relaxed hair off.

Transitioning your hair is not easy. Your hair is very fragile along the line of demarcation which is the point where your natural new growth ends and the chemically treated relaxed hair begins. If you aren't careful your hair could completely snap off along that line of demarcation. However, if you do the chop, you will lose inches and inches of hair, depending on how long your hair is.

So you have to baby your hair. That includes minimizing heat and manipulation. I have been wearing twist outs to protect my hair. That means that I wash and condition my hair, add some curl defining products and then twist my hair in straw sized twists. Once they are dry I untwist them leaving my hair wavy and curly. I, emphasis on I, think my hair looks BEAUTIFUL.

However, there are many people who don't like natural black hair. Anything but bone straight hair is considered ugly. You expect people who are not of African descent to think that our hair in it's natural state is unpretty. But unfortunately it's been my fellow black and brown people who have been the most discouraging about my transition. I have heard everything from:

"What did you do to your hair?"
"I like your hair better straight!"
"You had such pretty hair. What happened?"
"Are you trying to get dredlocks?"
"Why would someone with good hair try to get bad hair?"

And on, and on and on.

We are so brainwashed. We need to be educated on how to care for and love our hair, but never losing sight of the fact that...

IT'S

JUST

HAIR

!

In this instance, it's MY hair. I have made the decision to go natural. I remember a few weeks ago I brushed out my hair to put it in a curlytail aka a curly ponytail. It was the first time that I had felt that texture in my own head in years. I said "Hello hair! Long time no see!" And it felt good.

I for one refuse to put any more caustic, abrasive chemicals in my hair. I am accepting the tresses that The Lord has blessed me with. Yeah, my hair doesn't look it's sexiest during this awkward transition, but when all the relaxed hair is gone and my natural kinky curly qs are making up 100% of my hair I will be super happy!

This is probably my longest blog ever, full of digressions and ramblings, but here are three reasons why natural hair is better for me:

1) I can go curly OR straight! Relaxed hair can only be straight.
2) My natural hair has twice the volume than my relaxed hair.
3) My relaxed hair seems to have a terminal length. Yes, I keep it clipped and cut just under my shoulders, but I'm not sure it would grow much longer than that if I kept it going. Yet I am 8+ months post relaxer and my hair is growing faster than ever.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for more on my hair journey.

Self Destruction 2010

The following note was taken from my surrogate brother's Facebook page after we witnessed a mob inciting a riot near JFK Middle School in North Miami Beach Florida. Parents, WHEN WILL WE STEP UP AND TAKE CHARGE OF OUR CHILDREN SO THAT THEY NO LONGER BEHAVE AS BLOOD THIRSTY ANIMALS INSTEAD OF YOUNG KINGS AND QUEENS WITH THE WORLD AT THEIR FEET? ENOUGH!

Destruction of Generation Me-Me-Me

Today at 6:04pm

With each passing day, I realize that today's teens are like black holes with nothingness there and quickly need to find Jesus. My sister and I were driving and happened to see a literal mob of about 100 additional teens following one frightened boy walking like he was about to sprint away from them at any minute. We asked if he was okay and he said no. We told him to jump in the car to make a speedy get away from the mob. Apparently, the frightened boy was using the phone of a girl that was deep inside that mob. Once he jumped into the car, the dizzy girl yelled, "give me back my phone." He did that but by doing that, it stopped us for a second and some idiot from the crowd of teens threw a rock at our car. I stopped the car because I was about to wreck shop (but then my sister screamed to zoom off). I thought about it as I was dialing 911 to get this kid some help: Yeah, they were much younger than me but who knows what weapons they may have had and a mob is still a mob. We ended up calling the police. There was a delay in them finding us because I told them an address but gave the wrong street number, which was one block over because that was the last street I saw before turning off. When the cops arrived, they'd told us they came from the original spot from where that fight had taken place. That boy had already been beaten because he had a bruise on his lip that the cops noticed before we did. The cops took it from there and said they would handle it. But the fact still remains that a group of 100 were going to jump, stomp and possibly murder some 8th grader over some simple, silly bull-ish. Had my sister and I not been at the right (or wrong depending how you see it) place at the right time, that 8th grade kid would've ended up like Chicago's Derrion Albert, who if you don't know, was attacked and murdered with a 2x4 as he was walking home from school. We have to wake these teens up and the generation after them to see there is a future out there for them if they just keep their eye on the prize and not try to be the biggest thug on the block or else the world will end like the movie Children of Men.

I Got The Power!

So many people are caught up in the struggle to gain power. They pursue power as if it were their lifes breath. And yet the reality of it is, there is no such thing as power. Only the perception of power. Absolute power absolutely does not exist.

I know you, my kinda faithful readers are shaking your heads while reading this blog. I know you guys are thinking I've fallen and bumped my noggin. But think about it. From your uptight boss, to your 8th period physics teacher to the state trooper giving you a ticket on the 95. None of those people have any real power. Everyone borrows clout from someone or something else. It may be the threat of being fired, or the risk of failing that big exam, or the $500 fine and points on your license that makes you submit to "authority". But at the end of the day your boss has a boss who has a boss who has a boss who reports to the board of directors who report to stockholders. Your teacher has a principal, who reports to the chancellor, who reports to the mayor who reports to the voters. The state trooper is a part of a bureaucracy that I won't even begin to break down. So in a nutshell, no one has any real power.

Then why do people toss their weight around as if their first name were Barack? Second name Obama? Maybe they're compensating for something missing in their lives. Maybe they get off on the perception of power. Maybe they are just truly evil cretins. Who can say? (It's interesting to note here that Mr. Obama may be the POTUS, but he can barely open an envelope without 38495950 Republicans jumping down his throat. Some power for the leader of the free world. But that's a whole nother topic.)

I'm not advocating cursing out your boss, flipping your teacher the bird or leading a state trooper on a 3 county high speed chase. No indeedy. What I'm saying is, don't be a jerk. If you are someone who is perceived as a person of power, don't abuse it. Don't trample on the little guy. Don't treat people as if they are beneath you. There's an old saying in the ruthless, cuththroat, go-getter lifestyle that is New York City Corporate America. It goes like this "The people you climb on to get to the top of the ladder will be the same ones you pass on the way down." So follow the golden rule. I know it's super trite but seriously, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Yes, I've had a crazy week with a bunch of crazy, power hungry individuals in different settings and all I have to say is you can't take it with you. We all serve a higher being, whether it's God, Yahweh, Allah or something that I won't even give space to in my blog. Know that you will have zero power when you meet that higher being. Simmer on that.

City Crab in Miami, Florida

People who know me very well know that I love seafood! I will tear up some shrimp, snow crab, crawfish, lobster and certain types of fish (fillets only, no heads, no bones, no catfish). I was recently introduced to conch by my male bff aka my little brother and I'm hooked! So imagine my excitement when my favorite blog on the web (aside from my own) bloggingblackmiami.com/ started bigging up a new seafood restaurant named City Crab Miami.

Here is my review, short and sweet:

I went there craving garlic crabs but had to settle for shrimp because they had run out. How do you run out of crab when you are named City Crab? I was instantly annoyed and thought to myself "This is why I go to chain restaurants" until I feasted on the shrimp. The owner put his foot in that meal! It was to die for. It left me wanting more so I looked up the number to call today to see if they had crab delivered so I could pick up dinner. Surprise! The phone is disconnected. I find myself thinking those chain restaurant thoughts again... Small business owners, especially black small business owners. We MUST do better. If you are going to start something up make sure you have enough to meet your supply and demand. And above all, make sure your utilities are on at all costs! It is VERY tacky to have a disconnected business number. I hope this gets squared away immediately because I would love to see them flourish and spread out into different cities. With food that delicious it's very possible!

After I posted the review on another site I realized that I might hurt the owner's feelings. I considered e-mailing the webmaster and having them remove my post. However, I thought twice about it. If you're in business for yourself you have to have thick skin, and you MUST have your business affairs in order. Me typing about these issues is nothing compared patrons experiencing them, stereotyping your start up as a hot ghetto mess and going to Joe's Crab Shack. So with that being said, I hope that this message reaches the business owners and that they take this how it is meant- a sincere concern for them from the heart in hopes that they take the criticism constructively and improve. After all, if I didn't care, I wouldn't waste a keystroke speaking on it. Nor would I attempt to return. It's all love! Now order an extra case of snow crab legs! :)