Great Escape #3: Fort Lauderdale Beach

I wrote this blog months ago. I want say like over six months ago and saved it as a draft. I'm publishing it now after another washup of a NYE. I swear I'm going to NYC to party this year. I just can't take another boring NYE.

Remind me- what is the allure of South Beach?

Don't get me wrong, I've had some really good times there. I broke my Miami teeth back in the days at The Clevelander (is it ever coming back)? Back when I could actually squeeze into a size 7 I strutted my stuff up and down the sandy shores, club soda in hand, perpetrating like it was vodka. But for me, South Beach lacks something. I think it lacks personality. Alas I divorced SOBE to marry FLLB.

People like lists. So I'll give the people what they want. Here are the top 10 reasons why Fort Lauderdale Beach trumps South Beach:

1. Less traffic: you can't park on the strip that runs along the beach. So traffic is far more free flowing than on Ocean in SOBE.

2. Piggybacking off #1, less pousers: I saw a man with a broken neck getting down at Fat Tuesday's on FLLB. No one would dare make a complete ass out of theirself on SOBE.

3. Parking is existent: There are tons of public parking lots and even a few paid ones sprinkled throughout the FLLB area. A stark contrast to SOBE where your car could easily become a liability.

4. More things to do: Along with a bigger Fat Tuesdays, which is free to get in to, there are a bunch of great restaurants that serve great food that won't put a dent in your wallet. Add in a bunch of nightclubs where people aren't afraid to dance and you're already miles ahead of the game.

5. The ocean is a lot closer to the FLLB shoreline than it is to the SOBE shoreline: How annoying is it to have to carry a heavy cooler, blanket, umbrella a mile down to the ocean? You don't have to worry about all that in Fort Lauderdale. The ocean is literally a few steps away from the sea wall. Bad for residents if a big wave or hurricane washes in. Good for visiting beach bunnies like us. :)

6. The beach is very family friendly: I wouldn't recommend taking your infant to one of the ocean front bars, but you could most certainly take them out on the actual beach for a day of fun in the sun. No worries that your child will see exposed breasts or booty meat hanging out of thongs. True story- I had my kids out on SOBE one Sunday afternoon and there were ACTUAL PORN STARS recruiting men to sleep with them on film back at whatever seedy hotel they had booked for the occasion. Said porn stars APPROACHED not only my brother but MY FIANCEE and I on camera while my kids were but a few feet away. So far that hasn't happened on FLLB and I doubt it ever will.

7. The drive down to the beach is scenic and beautiful: Las Olas Boulevard is spectacular. Water front mini mansions with yatchs docked out back is a dream life and it's nice to be so close to prestige and affluence. You don't have to crane your neck to see Fischer/Star Island while speeding down the interstate or pay $40 to take a boat cruise past mansions. You can drive slowly by and imagine yourself living in the lap of luxury. Aside from the opulent homes there is beautiful blue water, interesting wildlife and swaying palm trees beckoning you to enter into paradise.

8. Like USA Channel, characters are welcome. Self explanatory.

9. Cheaper airfare, cheaper hotels, just cheaper everything.

10. The Hard Rock Casino area. Nuff said.

Consider taking a vacation to Fort Lauderdale and skip Miami. It's your chance to do something different. Everyone does SOBE. But few can say they did FLLB.

Miserable Miami Memorial Monday

Try saying that three times fast.

Miserable Miami Memorial Monday/Miserable Miami Memorial Monday/Miserable Miami Memorial Monday.

One of the things that I've pledged NOT to do is to continually bash Miami like it's the worst place on earth. No one wants to read a blog full of moaning and groaning about how much better XYZ city is than MIA. Yes, it's a culture shock. No, people aren't as friendly and welcoming as they are in other cities. Yes, the sense of style is non existent. But Miami has many great things to offer which is why I moved here in the first place. It's also why I stay when there are jobs a' plenty back home if I ever want to gracefully bow out. I'm staying. For now.

But I must say, this past weekend makes me grateful that I will not be here for the next summer holiday- July 4th. The sheer ghetto, ignorant, just out right ridiculous crowd that descended upon Miami this past weekend was embarrassing. Shootings, rapes, macings, fights- you name it. It's no wonder most South Beach businesses close up shop for Memorial weekend and don't even bother. They won't make any money any way. 99% of the tourists don't patronize any of the local shops, so no money cycles into the economy. Why bring money when you can stand in front of the business, blocking customers who would actually spend a few dollars? While stopping the flow of much needed revenue, make sure to sexually harass every scantily clad female that walks by. Now THAT'S a party.

I'll end this post right here. I don't want to exert any more energy into rehashing Memorial weekend. Hopefully July 4th will be better.

Great Escape #3: Las Olas

A mere 30 minute drive from the upscale pulse of South Beach lies Las Olas Boulevard, in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Those of you who want to get away from the oftentimes pretentious vibe of Ocean Drive can mosey on over to Las Olas and have a more gritty, seedy, but fun night filled with dance, cheaper drinks, and a more down to earth environment.

Las Olas reminds me of New Orleans, a city known for it's sizzling hot night life with an undercurrent of danger that can spring out at any moment. Upon entering Las Olas on a Saturday night we were immediately challenged to a fist fight and a drag race by drunken patrons who were too wasted to a) know what they were doing and b) follow through on their threats. After searching for parking for 20 minutes we strutted our stuff down the Boulevard and witnessed a huge melee by a group of drunk college boys. The scuffle was quickly broken up by a pack of police officers and who were a few feet away. That's the main difference between Las Olas and the N.O. The cops are just a devils breath away, waiting to slap a pair of handcuffs on you if you get too out of pocket.

It only cost ten bucks to enter the The Palace nightclub, which was dark, hot and had an even darker and hotter dance floor. The djs were from NYC which meant they knew how to blend their sounds to entice everyone to get loose on the floor. They played hip hop, both old and new school, and Caribbean music, both old and new. I teetered around in 5 inch stiletto heels and gave it my best, but after a while I kicked off my shoes and danced all night barefoot. I couldn't help it. Las Olas is not a place for the wallflower, prissy, poseur crowd. If you go to Las Olas come prepared to get down!

There was a raffle towards the end of the night and my fiancee won! To my surprise, the prizes were pretty nice. We won two 14k gold pieces of jewelry from Macy's, with the gift receipts attached so we can return them. I plan on keeping them though, because they are really nice and would look great with a little black dress, which is what I plan on wearing tonight when I party at my new buddy Darius' graduation party at Crazy Horse...