Family Ties

The older I get, the more I value my "blood ties".

Much as I am ashamed to admit it, as a teenager I shunned my family. I felt disconnected and wanted nothing more than to escape. My mother gave birth to me at a very young age and it shaped my views on the world around me- and not always in a positive way. I wasn't starving in the streets or anything like that. But I didn't have a Cosby type of childhood and I can't help but feel that if it wasn't for my grandparents my life would be the polar opposite of what it is now. I don't want to delve into details- but let's just say that teen parenthood, drugs and a short lifespan are just a few things that were at the end of the path that I would have been on had it not been for Miss Estelle and Mr. Cliff.

Fastforward to 2008. My grandfather is laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. I am struggling to keep my sanity as the only real father figure I ever had withers away in front of my eyes. My kid sister who I vowed never to speak to again exactly two years ago has popped back up in our lives and the jury is still out on whether or not she can be trusted. My first cousin who has always been the shining white knight of the family has major chinks in his armor that is showing signs of rust. My fiancee doesn't have the luxury of a smooth, gradual transition into meeting my maternal family. He is thrust into face first- with all the drama, all the jockeying for power, all the animosity, the grudges- the EVERYTHING. The fact that he still wants my hand in marriage after that introduction into my family is... a miracle.

Yet through it all, I realize that family is the most important thing in the world to any of us. Instead of envying others it's dawning on me that it could be a lot worse. Though my mother would have never won any Mom of the Year awards- she didn't Caylee me and cut my life short before it even started. She did her best and I'm here. I am a good mother, a good fiancee and future wife. A fair and competent boss. A PHENOMENAL friend- even to those who don't deserve it. A spiritual woman who loves The Lord and doesn't let a day go by without connecting with Him in my own way. A wonderful though controlling family member to my relatives (I'm working on it). A solid, law abiding citizen when so many are out here getting theirs by any means necessary. Ok, I speed and break traffic laws but I don't litter, do drugs or steal. I volunteer on a regular basis, give to charity, vote, serve my jury duty, pay my taxes and haven't killed anyone. Yet.

So as 2008 comes to a close I want to thank my mother and father for making me. I want to thank my grandparents for raising me into a strong woman of color. I want to thank my neighbors and family for molding me and giving me character. Thanks to all my friends who offered a shoulder when I cried and a gave wake up calls when I wallowed in self pity. I hope 2009 finds my grandfather in much better health if it's in God's good graces and I vow to continue to work on self so that I become a better person not only for myself but for those around me- especially to the man that I will marry in less than 9 months.

Fork In The Road

A few months ago I watched a horrible straight to dvd movie with my fiancee called "Fork In The Road". It was produced by a Jamaican company and apparently gets a lot of love back in NY and in Jamaica. As a budding filmmaker I give props to anyone with the guts to get their work out there on the small or silver screens. But come on now. All I have to say is watch it. You'll be disappointed, but hey. It's cold out. You don't have anything else to do.

I digress. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. After all the changes that came about in my life in 2007 I feel that 2009 needs to usher in even more CHANGE. Just call me Obama Girl out this bitch because it's gotta get better. I won't say it can't get any worse but GOD please give your child a break.

I know that with every life challenge I become stronger. I am a better person because of all the struggles I've been through. Like my cousin said on my wedding website. I'm a pearl. You have to get through the tough exterior to reach the beautiful jewel inside. It's deep down there somewhere. Not everyone can gain access though.

With that being said I know that I need to close some chapters in my life. Many people are taking up space in the prime real estate that is the pre-war Upper East Side condo called MY LIFE. Those people will soon come to find that I won't even entertain the them and all their petty BS anymore. Unless they've been fighting in Iraq, fighting for their life in a hospital or just plain fighting with themselves, everyone in my life knows that I have been through some MAJOR ish over the past month or so. Those who were there for me, thank you. I love you all very much and the blessings that I know God will rain on me in 09 will be yours as well. For those of you too caught up in your own melodramas to even notice that your girl was HURTING and that it took a lot for her to even reach out to you because she doesn't like to show chinks in her armor... You will find yourself on the other side of the locked door to my pre-war condo. Simply put, it's not all about you. And if you feel I'm talking about you, then I probably am.

I hit the road tomorrow, but I promise I will update more. My exploits in Miami are becoming legendary and I want to share. If nothing else this blog will be cathartic to me as I relieve some weight off my shoulders.

Til next time people. I know I lost many of you along the way because I suck I keeping this blog updated but again I'm working on it. :)